Jump Start # 3867
Proverbs 25:15 “By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone.”
I have this game that I play with my grandkids. I will take the back of their hand and rub it against their chin and then declare, “smooth.” I’ll then take their hand and rub it against my chin and say, “Scratchy.” Sometimes, we call it “sandpaper.” They’ll giggle and say, “Do it again.” It shows them the difference between something soft and smooth and something scratchy. Sandpaper is intended to be rough and scratchy. As it is applied against a piece of wood, the wood becomes smooth.
Our verse today illustrates that principle. Although the direct application may be to a ruler or one in charge, it is fitting for all situations. The soft tongue breaks the bone. A few pages before this, Proverbs tells us that a “gentle answer turns away wrath”. A bone is hard. It’s not soft like a feather or hair. It’s stiff. It’s not like the ole’ Gumby toy that could be stretched and twisted and bent in half. Can’t do that with a bone. We might say, ‘set in ways,’ or even, stubborn.
And, in a masterful contrast, which is common in Proverbs, something soft breaks something hard. The tongue, which has no bones can break that which cannot be broken easily. The tongue breaks the bone. The image and the emphasis is about the tone, the words, the attitude that one uses. Someone is set in their ways. They are not changing. You can get into a dog fight with that person, and the harsher you come, the more they dig in. Keep throwing fast balls and they’ll hang in there at the plate. And, the outcome will be two angry people. We see this in marriages. A disagreement about something simple escalates into a world war of words because the hard, stubborn bone cannot be broken. This happens at work. And, yes, it happens among brethren. People have left the church building mad. Some have said that they will never return. Doors slammed. Fingers pointed at each other. Name calling. Shouting. And, those old bones become harder and harder to break.
Long before books like “Crucial conversations” was ever dreamed up, the Holy Spirit was showing us how to deal with unmovable, stubborn attitudes. Forbearance is at the front end of the passage and soft tongue is at the end. Those two bookends are the key.
Here are some thoughts:
First, we forget that volume does not change a person’s mind. Louder and louder is not the definition of a soft tongue. Turn down the volume. Make arguments with substance and not thunder. Be calm. Be gentle. When excited, our hearts race and our tone gets loud. Watch that. Volume does not break bones nor change people.
Second, often a soft tone will calm the other person down. The person who is stuck in his ways may become very vocal and loud. He may be looking for an argument. Guns loaded, ready to go to battle, but you are not. You reply with gentle answer and soft words and that can change a thunderstorm into a nice, refreshing conversation. Those in charge often feel threatened when someone offers an alternative idea, suggestion or counter to what they have said. Drop the, “That’s a dumb idea,” labels. That only hardens bones. Much too often in a shouting match, everyone is talking and no one is listening. Part of the soft words and gentle answer is to get the other person to listen to what they have said. Speaking out of emotion rather than logic, sense and knowledge, a person can be inconsistent, contradictory, and even wrong. Soft words will guide a person from the standpoint of emotion to common sense and more, Biblical sense.
Third, let us not forget that sometimes it is our bones that need to be broken. We can be the stubborn one. We can be the one who refuses to listen. We can be the one who believes we have the right answers and do not need to change. The thunderous noise often comes from us. We too, need soft words that we will hear and pay attention to.
Sometimes we preachers can get pretty loud. We do that in preaching and sometimes that carries over to private conversations where we want to be the one who does all the talking, has all the answers and sets the pace and the tone for what is discussed. Be careful, Mr. Preacher. You are not always behind a pulpit. Soft words break bones.
In order for those hard bones to be broken, the bony person must listen and accept those soft words. The young can help the older. The child may remind the parent. The sheep may break the bones of the shepherd. The employee may help the boss.
Smooth or scratchy…good reminders when rubbing chins and choosing words.
Roger